Clean
by moodiful819
Summary: Sakura is fourteen when her hands begin shaking.


I think this was inspired by Reason (look for the fic in my faves since I can't put the author's name here apparently), but I don't really remember anymore. This idea was so old and when I heard this song or watched this AMV a few months ago, I started writing this. You have to wonder though. How would Sakura handle something like this?

Disclaimer: As you already know, I do not own Naruto. Frankly, with the way the series is now, I'd wonder why anyone would really want to, other than monetary purposes.

* * *

When Sakura is fourteen, she is sent on a mission. It is B-rank and Kakashi is with her. On this day, the sky is clear and her headband gleams proudly atop her head along with her recent promotion to Chuunin.

The mission is simple: guide a delegate back to his village in the Land of Tea from Konoha. It is a long journey, three days at least, but despite her gangly limbs and still-awkward forehead, Sakura knows that she can do this mission.

She leaves the gates with confidence, her head held high. The client, a seasoned old-man used to traveling with danger, walks coolly between her and her sensei. In her mind, calculations and battle plans race across her brain. Her heart races, thrumming with excitement, and staring at the dirt road spread before her, she thinks to herself that she's made it. She has finally shed her childish side. She is no longer the scared little girl she once was and as she basks in her newfound sense of freedom, for the briefest second, she sees something. It is a flash; it is a shadow; and she realizes it to be Sasuke.

Suddenly her heart races, her throat seizes. It can't be him, she thinks to herself, it can't be. But she sees him and with him, she sees all her hopes, her dreams, dangling in front of her as her fears clutch her body. _Why couldn't I stop him? Why?_ She can't breathe. Her thoughts become filled with him and she's drowning in the only thing that she has ever loved and hated and desperately feared with all her being. It's stifling and terrifying and for the briefest of seconds, Sakura wonders if she is dying.

And when Kakashi touches her shoulder, he is gone. The sun is shining brightly and their client is tapping his foot impatiently. Her skin is ashen white and a light film of cold sweat covers her skin. Kakashi asks if she is alright and shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Sakura smiles and tells him she's fine before adjusting her pack and walking forward once more.

When Konoha disappears from the horizon and they set up camp for the night, Sakura looks to the sky and wonders what Sasuke and Naruto would say about her promotion before a part of her brain tells her they wouldn't care. Realizing it's true, she falls asleep. And when she dreams, she is a genin again along with Sasuke and Naruto and as they walk on the seemingly endless dirt road in her mind, all she can see are their shadowed backs on the horizon; far, far away from her outstretched hands.

The next day is bland like the day before; all is safe, all is well. As they walk, she tells herself nothing is wrong. That even if something were to go wrong, she tells herself she can handle it because she is a Chuunin. She is the student of the legendary Tsunade. The great Hatake Kakashi is her mission partner. If anything goes wrong, she will be ready. She is a Chuunin. She is a kunoichi.

She is fine.

And when they are attacked, her body fall into place like a well-rehearsed play. She does not think. She does not speak, quickly assembling into defensive position nine-dash-A. She creates a distraction with her shadow clones while Kakashi brings the client to a safe hiding place. Even as kunai whizz by her ear and explosions go off around her, she tells herself she is fine. She is capable. She can handle this.

But all that changes when she sees the enemy rushing towards her, a knife pointed at her throat. The battle plans and defensive options she has rehearsed and memorized over and over again are nowhere to be found, and she is instantly reminded of her first mission and the old bridge-builder. She is reminded of Naruto and the first time she realized how brave he was; Kakashi, and the first time they learned of his Sharingan; and then she is reminded of Sasuke as he protected her from that Mist assassin. In her mind, he leaps in front of her and saves her, but this is reality. Even as her mind shouts his name and curses his loss, it doesn't change the fact that he is not here to save her.

The dagger comes closer and closer to her face. She is staring death in the eye and it looks nothing like she would expect it to. It has the face of a twenty-six year old with chestnut hair and painfully beautiful blue eyes, and she wonders if she'll be as good-looking or confident in her skills when she's that age when it hits her that she isn't going to see that age. Instead, she's going to die at fourteen with a shiny new headband, a rank promotion, and nothing else.

She doesn't remember what happens next, everything becomes a blur, but when she comes to, the man is dead and there's blood. So much blood, just everywhere. She can feel it in her hair and taste it in her mouth and her hands…her hands are so coated with the stuff, it's almost unreal. How did all of this come out of one person? It can't be real, she tells herself, it can't be. But it is. It is real. There is blood on her hands and a body at her feet. Today, Haruno Sakura earns her title as Chuunin. Today, she has had her first casualty.

Suddenly, her mind is swimming. It goes in neither direction, not forwards or backwards. Time has become askew as everything races yet drags on at a painfully slow rate. It's like she's dreaming. It's only when Kakashi grabs her limp hands and shakes her does she wake up.

"Sakura!"

His voice is concerned and he shouts her name again. He looks worried. Worried and something else, she notes. Why does he look worried?

She feels his hands close over hers and hears the dull thud of the bloodied kunai falling to the ground, and only then does she realize from the minute tremors shaking her skin that her hands are shaking. Her hands are shaking and there's so much blood. _So much blood._ She tries to wipe it off, screaming and whimpering when it doesn't. She doesn't even realize she's doing it until Kakashi yells at her to stop. Looking down, she sees that she's broken her skin, but she can't stop.

"Get it off. Get it off! Getitoff!Getitoff!"

Her shrieks are piercing the forest around them. Tears are leaking from her eyes and their client peers fearfully over a rock as Kakashi grabs her hands and pulls her close. At his touch, she begins crying, her sobs wracking her tiny chest and she can feel his warmth flood through her skin. In the back of her mind, she realizes what the 'something else' was. He was gauging her reaction. He knew this was going to happen. Why didn't he tell her this was going to happen?

'_Because it was going to happen eventually,'_ a traitorous part of her mind replies, but still, it would've been so much easier to been prepared for this—to have him tell her this would happen beforehand. A smaller part of her is indignant, angry, but her mind doesn't pay attention to that. Her hands are still covered with blood and peering over at the body of the man she has just killed, she feels a cold chill lance through her spine. She feels sick. The blood on her hands is drying. She feels this and cries more. Kakashi merely hushes her, holding her closer and kissing her forehead in an act of shallow comfort. She knows this and cries a little harder. Her hands can't stop shaking.

That was seven years ago. She's twenty-one now and a member of Anbu alongside Naruto, Sai, and Sasuke. The things she has seen and done are nothing compared to that fateful day. Her actions have been honed, every movement precise and deadly. Those moments of childhood hesitation and innocence mean nothing to her now. She is a weapon. She is a tool. She is a kunoichi. But…

There are days, days where she will stop in the middle of whatever she's doing and stare at her hands. On those days, she remembers the first time she killed someone and wonders just how much more blood has stained her hands, how much more she can't wash off. On those days, she wonders if Kakashi-sensei is awake to soothe her conscience and assuage her fears. And on those days, if you look hard enough, you'll see her hands shake just a little bit.

_Sakura is fourteen when her hands begin shaking._


End file.
